Daddy Issues. – siempregolden

Daddy Issues.

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I used to think it's kind of cliche to have daddy issues. However, the reason why it's cliche, is because it's real and prevalent. The first relationship a little girl has in her life is with her father. A father teaches you how a man should treat you, how a loving relationship can look between a mother and father.. When that father figure isn't there, things can go askew. This doesn't mean you're broken in any way, I think all people need healing from their past traumas/childhood, and it definitely is possible. 
My parents divorced when I was five years old. From five to twelve years old.. I got to see my dad maybe once a year. He wasn't really the affectionate type. I remember I always got in trouble or yelled at for whining haha. The calls and communication became less frequent. Seeing my mom raise me and my brother on her own, taught me how to be independent and tough myself. I guess in that way I learned how to not be vulnerable with men.. I learned how to keep myself guarded. Because who else could best protect me but myself? I think I wanted to regain control of the situation of my father's neglect. I took his neglect as rejection, and didn't want to feel rejected. So instead, at 12, I made a decision to cut him out of my life and block him. I wanted to block out all the negative emotions, the anger, sadness, and pain. I thought I was great for 15 years. I told people I was indifferent about it, and that I didn't care. I almost fooled myself, I was very much in denial, and wasn't aware of my self-sabotaging behaviors (We'll get to that in another post). The only time I ever cracked in those 15 years was.. when I'd watch a movie, or see a loving father with his daughter. Any of those scenes, whether in movies, or real life, brought tears to my eyes within seconds. 
2019 has been a rough year for me interpersonally. Don't know about you guys, but this year literally broke me. I was forced to face my inner pain, problems, and emotions. I realized my entire life I was trying to run away or distract myself from this pain - whether it was through drinking, dating, traveling, working on Siempre, I was always trying to escape from reality. PSA - You can't run away from yourself. I was a fool to think that I could just cut and block off pain, all you end up doing is burying it deep within you.. not being able to let it go. Anyway, I decided to reach back out to my father this year after 15 years because I no longer wanted to be angry or sad. I'm not saying that doing simply that is going to fix anything. Your father might still be the same father he was 15 years ago. But, once you're old enough to understand previous family patterns, and the circumstances of how things panned out.. you realize, that the neglect or rejection didn't have anything to do with you personally. You realize, that this situation had nothing to do with your worth or value. It really was just... circumstantial. And maybe that's when the healing begins.. when you realize that you are worth a lot and you start valuing yourself. You don't need anyone else's validation, but yourself.  

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